
ATTENTION SINGLE SPEED FREAKS, JEDIS, WACKY ONES, THEIR BRETHREN AND SISTREN.
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY...
EPISODE IX
A RETURN OF THE PILOT
IT IS A DARK TIME FOR THE SINGLE SPEED REBELLION. IMPERIAL MAVERICK GEARED TROOPS HAVE DRIVEN REBEL FORCES FROM THEIR HIDDEN BASE AND SCATTERED THEM ACROSS THE GALAXY.
THE EVIL LORD DARTH WORRAB, OBSESSED WITH FINDING THE REBEL TROOPS, HAS DISPATCHED THOUSANDS OF REMOTE PROBE SIGNS INTO THE FAR REACHES OF SPACE. THESE PROBE SIGNS, WITH EVIL CODE WORDS LIKE "SUGAR MAG," AND "HOBBIT TRAIL" (THIS IS STAR WARS NOT LORD OF THE RINGS DAMMIT) HAVE CORRUPTED THE WOODS AND THREATEN TO STRIP THE VERY SOUL OF THE GALAXY.
IN SEVEN DAYS, THE REBEL FORCES WILL STRIKE BACK AT THE 9TH ANNUAL INTERGALACTIC SINGLESPEED CHAMPIONSHIPS (IGSSC 2007) AND RIGHT THESE WRONGS! YES, IT'S TRUE, THE INTERGALACTIC SINGLE SPEED CHAMPIONSHIPS WILL BE HELD IN THE NEDERLAND, COLORADO GALAXY ON SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2007.
THIS EVENT IS STILL DARKER, LONGER AND MORE UN-CUT THAN ANY OTHER IN THE GALAXY. FORGET THE STUPID "WORLD SINGLE SPEED CHAMPIONSHIPS" AND SUCH, THEY PALE IN COMPARISON. DO THEY HAVE TEETER TOTTERS, BRIGES AND RAMPS? NO, AND NEITHER DO WE, SINCE SOMEBODY DESTROYED THEM ALL AND REPLACED THEM WITH SOME SWEET ASS SIGNAGE! NO MATTER...WE WILL VISIT ALL THE FORMER BRATT SITES AND POUND A COLD ONE IN THEIR HONOR!
EVADING THE DREADED IMPERIAL GEARED STARFLEET, A GROUP OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS HAS ESTABLISHED A NEW SECRET BASE IN THE REMOTE FORESTED WORLD OF YBMIN. WE CANNOT PUBLISH THE LOCALE OF THE NEW SECRET BASE AT THIS TIME, AS THE EVIL GEARED FORCES WILL SURELY DESTROY IT AND ERADICATE KEY PILOT MEMBERS.
WE WILL TELL YOU THIS. TAKE THE 8:10 AM RTD SPACE TRANSPORT DEVICE TO THE NEDERLAND GALAXY ON SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21. IMMEDIATELY HEAD TO THE NEDERLAND CO-OP, GRAB A WARM MUFFIN, AND START PEDALING. BE SURE TO BRING YOUR X-WING SINGLE SPEED SPACE CRAFT, LIBATIONS, AND FULL INTERGALACTIC SPACE SUITS. YOU'D ALSO BE WISE TO PROCURE THE USE OF ONE OF THOSE HIGH-FANGLED GPS DEVICES, OR FIND SOMEONE WHO HAS ONE AND BE THEIR CO-PILOT. PROCEED BY BIKE, FOOT AND LIGHT SPEED TO THE FOLLOWING POINT:
N 39° 56.930
W 105° 30.937
AT THIS LOCATION, INSTRUCTIONS TO THE OFFICIAL TOP SECRET MEETING PLACE WILL BE LOCATED IN A RED CIGAR TUBE WITH A BLACK LID, 3/4 INCH DIAMETER. NO NEED - AND MAY NOT BE POSSIBLE - TO PULL THE CONTAINER FROM ITS HIDY HOLE. ONE MORE CLUE: KNEE HIGH TO A BLACK BEAR
INSIDE YOU WILL FIND DIRECTIONS TO THE OFFICIAL MEETING PLACE FOR THE IGSSC 2007 (THERE IS NOTHING THERE NOW AND WON'T BE UNTIL THE MORNING OF THE IGSSC). IT WILL TAKE ABOUT AN HOUR TO GET FROM THE NEDERLAND SPACE METROPOLIS TO THE OFFICIAL MEETING PLACE, SO PLAN ACCORDINGLY.
FOR MORE INFO ON THE HISTORY OF THE GALACTIC WARS, VISIT HERE.
DON'T MISS IT. WE'RE TALKING GALACTIC WAR AND SHIT! MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
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